It’s not something we like talking about, because it either scares us, or it carries a lot of baggage. But it’s a defining moment which brings up a lot of questions, and the longer we avoid it, the harder it might be to deal with it when it hits home … which is something that we know will happen sooner or later, if it hasn’t happened already.
In this interview with Newspoint, Dr Michael Galea, a resident academic within the University of Malta’s Faculty of Health Sciences, helps put death into perspective. His recent publication ‘F’Qalbi ma Tmut Qatt’ (In my heart, you’ll never die), which discusses grief, bereavement and loss as encountered in life, fills a void in our native language on a topic that is so close to one and all.
We are witnessing death on a larger scale, through the media, especially since after COVID-19 struck, but even due to war, strife and other causes. How does death en masse affect our collective psyche?
The long-term consequences of hearing, and seeing death on social media does two things simultaneously: it opens our eyes to reality while diminishing the impact of what the media are showing. It is up to us to consume media with caution, know our personal limit and have enough self-control to stop ourselves when we know what is approaching.
Research and experience show us that fear, worry and stressors are normal responses to danger or threats. So, if we treat living through the pandemic as something that previously was unknown to us, fear of the unknown quite reasonably instils in us feelings of worry and stress. The situation becomes even more complex with the changes imposed on us, such as spending more time indoors. Again, it is completely justifiable for this to evoke some painful emotions, which don’t easily fade away – a huge way of overcoming these is making as much help available as possible, and to everyone.
How do you believe the media has shaped our perception of death?
Death is constantly discussed on media. However, most deaths portrayed do not directly affect us. Veron (1981) stated that reality is not reflected by the media, but rather it is the media that actually shape reality - at least that perceived by us. Moreover, whereas traditional media played on sensationalism, the new media seems more focused on proximity (Moeller, 1999).
Thus, it is not so much about the death of the other, but more of the death that is closer to home, that can be experienced by us at some point in our future.
What inspired you to write this book? And why is it important for you to use simpler language and be understood easily?
On the one hand, we are living a life surrounded by the experience of death, on the other we keep ignoring it, or at least shelving its reality. That is until it hits home. Both my personal and professional experience keep reminding me how important it is to focus, acknowledge and respect this reality, which whether you like it or not, someday would be our direct experience. A result of this reality, we normally end up hating closure. This reality would also entail discomfort with any termination and closures in life.
Think of a moment you lived when a relationship failed. Think about how hard it may have been to you to close the door on it and move on. Irrespective of the fact that often, closures and terminations open for us new avenues and possibilities, the reality remains that such transitions are often challenging and taxing. Some may face them better than others, but the toll remains.
Presenting a book specifically on this subject, based on evidence-based research but without any use of jargon or technical terms, was deemed important and very relevant to me, and I hope it’s of help to others as well.
What kind of thoughts go through the mind of someone who knows they are dying?
The experience of death is unique to each individual. Experience and beliefs on certain universal factors found across cultures might determine how death is experienced by someone who is dying. Psychological and physiological changes are inevitable, but withdrawal from life – or a process in which the person becomes more focused on certain priorities, and/or disorientation of place, time and own reality, are commonly felt. Some may also experience a temporary new energy when they are close to their death.
What happens psychologically to a parent whose child passes away before they do?
Besides the expected void, shock and pain that any death brings about, the death of a child instils a large disorientation as well.
Nature dictates that the young usually bury their parents. Also, raising children is one of the most noble callings humans undertake – and it partakes directly with our inner calling of nurturing life. Thus, the loss of a child could constitute one of the worst possible trauma, as it directly opposes such a calling.
Parents who lose a child in a traumatic loss experience both physical and psychological consequences, that may be very taxing to their holistic well-being. The expression of this grieving journey is unique as the relationship with the departed was unique. Unfortunately, one cannot speed up this process and no short cuts exist.
How do children experience the death of someone close? How can their guardians explain death to them?
Death should never be described as sleep. If you are asked hard questions by your children after experiencing a death in the family, better be clear, to the point, and direct in your answers.
Children often generalise. For example, if one dies in one’s sleep, children may easily associate sleep with dying. Children use lots of repetition in their grief, like when they repeat certain questions. Presently, lots of research is focusing on the cycle of re-grief, when children who experienced grief and mourning from big traumas when young, re-experience it again from a more mature perspective once they grow older.
Why is suicide generally not reported locally? Why do you think this kind of death is looked down on?
We all have our breaking point. What may seem easy to one person, may be hard to another. This is why some are driven to the edge by certain circumstances and situations in life.
Contributing factors to buffer against suicidality include family cohesion, social support and some types of religious beliefs.
Suicide is very much tainted by stigma. Misunderstanding, ignorance and fear are the key ingredients of stigmatisation. These variables have bestowed huge psychological pain on those perceived as somehow ‘different’. Cvinar (2005) found that those responsible for perpetuating such a stigma often engage in district, stereotyping, shunning and avoidance - the very opposite of what individuals going through severe depression and/or suicidal thoughts need!
For someone trying to heal from grieving, where can they look for practical help?
Although social media is inundated with related information and practical help, one must always reiterate that grief is a very personal process that normally takes time to heal. It does not affect our emotional health only, but all aspects of life. The closer to home the loss is, the deeper the search and existential questions will be. On the other hand, denial of reality, which often accompanies traumatic and shocking losses, delay such a process and prolong pain.
There is literature that helps figure things out, but there are other coping strategies. Some would rather go to therapy, while others deal with it by themselves. Asking for help is okay and completely acceptable.
The book can be bought directly from main bookshops, from the author Dr Michael Galea himself, or from Mr Javier Degiorgio at the Mental Health Department, University of Malta.